Volunteering; my safe space!

Volunteering; my safe space!

Becoming a volunteer is the most rewarding thing you will ever do. I have been a volunteer in childline for four years now and I absolutely love it. The skills you learn and develop from volunteering are invaluable, I noticed my communication skills and listening skills definitely improved from the training provided by Childline. We make a positive difference to the children’s lives. 
 We have a brilliant support system in Childline. If you ever feel uncomfortable after a call or find a call challenging etc there is always a mentor on shift. A mentor is an experienced volunteer who’s role is to help and support their fellow volunteers. I to this day go to my mentor sometimes if in doubt and of course to my supervisor. 
Childline is a place where you meet new people, build friendships and ones that will be life long friends. We are like a family. We always have a few social gatherings throughout the year, bowling, Christmas party, nights out, team meetings and fundraising events like quizzes.
I hope to volunteer for many more years to come. I enjoy seeing my friends and going on shift as I know that we make a difference. I am proud to be a volunteering with Childline, something I enjoy in my life. My safe space!

At a junction

At a junction

I have fantasised about dying for years, just to escape from this life. Euphoria! There are a few reasons for wishing my life away but it has absolutely nothing to do with my family and friends. They have been great, it is just me and my head. 

When I say wishing my life away, obviously you know I mean suicide. I have thought of ways to do it, when and where. Of course been me, I have never attempted it, however I have been so close. My family and friends is what is holding me back. The truth is, the pain of living is getting worse and the thought of letting go feels so much easier. In the past I always wished I had enough courage to go. 

The past week I have spoken to a few people about how I am feeling and I have really opened up a lot to my counsellor. One person suggested to go to a mental health unit. In a way, I actually would. 14 years like this, that could make or break me. However the stigma and the stereotyping etc… the fear of loosing my career, so much is at steak. Everything would change.  I am at a junction, I just do not know what to do:

  1. Continue seeing the counsellor and see what the next few months bring. 
  2.  Go to the mental health unit for a while and see does that help
  3. Or… To end the pain (which deep down I do not want to do… ) 

Bon Fires Night

Bon Fires Night

Do not drink and drive! Hold your hands up and take responsibility for your actions! Do not run and hide…. cowards! So many lost lives and lives on hold because of those traumatic experiences, they never ever leave your mind! 

And as I stood there among the crowd, she was still lying on the ground. I had no feelings, I just looked for a phone and rang my Dad. My Mam and brother was in England and my little sister was at her friends house. 

Flashing lights now and the crowed was getting bigger, my sister lay in the centre of a T junction, asking for people to “get of me“. The haunting sound of her moaning and screaming with pain when the paramedics were lifting her into the stretcher I can remember so clearly! 

Dad and myself followed the ambulance to A&E and set with my aunt in the waiting room to hear the news. 

It felt like hours and at this point I felt cold, I was shaking and so much was going on in my head. She eventually came out strapped to the trolley, literally. She kept apologising to us for something she did not do. We said to stop as she was wheeled to ICU. A lot of our cousins and Aunts had gathered in the waiting area to see her. The support was lovely, something I will never forget. 

I left with my Aunty back to my cousins house and slept a little. I had no phone so could not contact anyone. I went back home the next day to sort myself out. 

Mam flew home at this point, tears streaming of her face, she thought that she had died and people were lying. 

We all took it in turns to visit her in ICU. So much gadgets attached to her, black and blue and swollen from the impact. She looked fragile. She did not speak. Maybe a word or two if we were lucky.

A week or two later she was allowed to move out to a ward, which when she did they found out her back was burnt from the exhaust. 

It had to be cleaned everyday. Flesh wound the size of two hands on her upper back. So painful for her; the many broken bones and burnt back. The weight loss was increasing as the weeks went on. The hope of her walking was something we were praying for. 

After a while in our local hospital, with casts and daily changes of the burnt wound, she was deferred to the capital to get a skin graph on her back, a special brace for her leg and other treatments. She had a lot of operations throughout the months, I lost count. She had a long road to recovery with a battle of depression and nightmares too. Who wouldn’t?

Imagine twisting minimum of 12 screws from a metal frame around her leg attached to her bone? Imagine cleaning the holes caused by the screws in her leg so they do not get infected while the frame was on? 

Can you imagine the scars from the burn, the screws from the metal frame, the other scars on body from it been dragged on the ground, the countless operations, learning how to walk again, the memory of it all? All of that to never leave your mind. 

No matter what compensation she got from the accident, the saying money will never bring you happiness is something that she preaches. She cannot run or walk long distances, she cannot stand for long or drive long distances. She has to buy certain clothes to hide the scars. It is a constant reminder

If that bastard did not drink and drive and reverse fast showing off to the people, he would not have knocked down my sister. If he was any kind of man he would have stayed at the scene of the crime and not ran away. He would have not appealed his ban and instead carried it out for making someone have scars and be disabled for the rest of her life. Something that will haunt her for the rest of her life.

My world

My world

I have had depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since the age of 13. All of this has been covered by a mask, well hidden to many, cracked to some or fully shown to others. This has been caused by my own personal reasons. I have gone to different counsellors and tried different medications etc! Unfortunately 14 years has got me no where. I feel like I am lost at this stage and I do not know where to go from here. 
I am bisexual, I have epilepsy, along with memory loss. I have been living with a mental illness since the age of 13. I love my family and friends dearly. They are my world. It is because of them, that I am still alive. X

Hopeless

Hopeless

HOPELESS 

I cried but you did not see me

I screamed but you did not hear me

I told you but you ignored me

And now I ask you why?

I smile though I’m dying inside

I laugh to keep myself alive

I told you but you ignored me

And now I ask you why?

I’d hold you just so you wouldn’t let me go

I prayed to god to take me away

I told you but you ignored me

And now I ask you why?

 

Why didn’t you help me, or listen to my cries

When I’m falling to pieces you leave me

And let die

 

13/02/08

Friends

Friends

Five years have flown past; we all knew it would never last

Friends leaving for different places, making friends with all new faces

And as we gather in the church, all our minds begin to search

Of all the memories from the past, hoping they will forever last

And while the speech is been read, we all think of the friends we’ve made

And not before too long, we all sing our final song

Soon after the mass ends, we all gather with our friends

Tears falling of our cheeks, knowing some of us will never meet

Later we hit the pubs, getting ready to hit the clubs

Taking photos of the year, trying to hold back those final tears

Later everyone walks to different places

And I say goodbye to my favourite faces

30/05/07

Live and Let Die

Live and Let Die

I cry for those who leave me

I morn for those who have not yet died

My heart beats a million times faster

I try and leave everything aside

The strike of happiness floods threw me

When my eyes lay on those who care

I sink lower than ever

When I am alone and scared

How come no one helps me?

Have I to live and let die?

Am I the stranger in the corner?

That everyone walks straight by?

Don’t hold me here forever God

I ask you to take me to your place

I’d be happier than ever

If I did not have this pain

18/05/07