And so it began….

And so it began….

Hello. First of, this message is getting sent to all my friends. I am sorry for the lack of contact the past week. I went into a bad place the past few days. However, that is irrelevant, I am ok now. I just want to apologise for how I have been throughout the past year. I have hurt, upset and worried a lot of people; through talk of suicide; whether that is talking about it in detail and/or for some speaking to them in the moment of wanting to carry out dying by suicide. I know all of this was horrific to hear and very upsetting. I am wholeheartedly sorry. I have pushed many people away through my mental health and I put people in difficult, stressful situations. I want you to know I love you all so much and I really appericate the care and support you all have given to me throughout the year and for given me hope when I had none. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all mean the world to me. Again, I am sorry and thank you. Xx

O3/08/18

And from that day on. The mask was put on again.

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How to save a life….

How to save a life….

Úna, Thank you for seeing me at my worst and still loving and supporting me. I know it must have been incredibly difficult to hear me talk about my thoughts and feelings the past few weeks. However, I felt listened to and thank you for that; you gave me something many could not and I am forever grateful.

I want you to know there was nothing you or anyone could have said or done to change my mind. I had my mind set, I had been planning this for weeks. You are so beautiful, a kind, caring, inspiring lady, so generous with your time and patience, you are unique, you have something special.

Thank you

So much love

Xxx

29/04/18

That note was wrote in April. The thoughts of suicide began around March. I hid a lot from everyone, however I held nothing back from Úna. I can wholeheartedly say that she is authentic; a selfless, respectful, reassuring, caring, supportive friend. As a close friend, she inspired me. When I was admitted to a mental health unit in May, she was still a huge support to me; with texts, phone calls and visits. An anchor.

When I left the unit, Úna was the main person who chatted to me daily, sometimes throughout the day, general chit chat. She was someone who I really felt comfortable talking to.

On the 3rd of September, I went to the quay and sat in my car staring out at the water. I had a blade in my hand. I wanted to die. Either slit my wrists (and yes I know it is downwards) or jump. After an hour of debating, I cracked and I went to the shop where Úna worked and I got upset. She sat me down and chatted to me for a while, while cleaning the seating area. She made me feel better. Always did.

However the days following I began to feel guilty and ashamed of myself. The “I hate you, don’t leave” EUPD fear of abandonment came flooding back to me from last year. I cannot believe I thought negative of her. How could I have thought she did not like me, or that I should not like her. I can never forgive myself for that. Ever. So now that is on a constant cycle in my head.

Now that I started wearing a mask again, I have started to lie to Úna too. I do not want to put any more stressors or anxiety upon her or anyone else. That and I would not be able to cope with losing another close friend.

20/09/18

Poems are cringe

Poems are cringe

I laugh because the “poems” that I wrote when I was younger is awful. They are not even poems. However, I expressed myself and that was the important thing. I would be dead if I did not write them or journal. It has hard to let memories go.

Still though. Awful.

Palm to face x1,000.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend

My dear friend, I’ve felt a change, I’ve heard whispers of betray,
I’ve seen you in a different view, everyone fought but I stayed with you
Questions arising, No answers to be found
My minds going in circles, tears from my eyes
Your painful cries I took into care, holding your hands as you were soothed by your tears
Told you my feeling, hopes and dreams, a lot have been erased now from what I have seen
As I look into the night’s sky, I remember the good times and what had been
Stabbed in the heart with my thoughts alone, your bright personality catches me and I fall to the floor
My tears fill up my eyes; my pillow became a place where I can hide
Hi in the corridor, memories left behind
My heart bleeds as you walk straight by, as time went on
Your dreams come true, became friends from whom you knew
Life’s getting better, I won’t hold you back
I’m just a part of your past;
My arms will always be open,
My feelings will always be the same
I just hope one day you’ll do the same

Louise
5/09/05

Smile

Smile

I shall never judge you
Because you cannot be judged
Your stories from your past
Is interesting to know
Don’t question me
I will not tell a soul
Secrets, stories and feeling are all kept enclosed.
My mouth will never speak badly of you
To me there’s nothing but good.
All the help you’ve giving me I will give in return
Three years I’ve known you
Not one day has past
That I haven’t had a smile on my face looking back
Friendship is something special
With you it’s treasured in my heart
And it’s something that
I hope will never part

Mona
4/11/04

My Star

My Star

Dear God, help my sister Jennie who is in hospital at this crucial time
She’s been in a terrible accident but I know she’s going to be fine
Will you tell her that we love her and everything’s going to be okay?
That we will be waiting for her to return home again
I ask you Lord to give her the strength and courage too
To help her every step of the way, Lord, I leave this prayer with you
I say this with all of my heart and soul
I don’t want to lose my twin sister
Because we are meant to grow old

Jennie
24/06/06

Forever

Forever

A friend who’s always near
A friend I shall never fear
One that’s close to my heart
Who holds it together when a part
A smile that never fades
A dream that never breaks
A friend with a point of view
Who holds you close though she knew
Her body is armour, with a heart of gold
A friend that will never ever grow old

Amanda
9/03/07