Úna, Thank you for seeing me at my worst and still loving and supporting me. I know it must have been incredibly difficult to hear me talk about my thoughts and feelings the past few weeks. However, I felt listened to and thank you for that; you gave me something many could not and I am forever grateful.
I want you to know there was nothing you or anyone could have said or done to change my mind. I had my mind set, I had been planning this for weeks. You are so beautiful, a kind, caring, inspiring lady, so generous with your time and patience, you are unique, you have something special.
So much love
That note was wrote in April. The thoughts of suicide began around March. I hid a lot from everyone, however I held nothing back from Úna. I can wholeheartedly say that she is authentic; a selfless, respectful, reassuring, caring, supportive friend. As a close friend, she inspired me. When I was admitted to a mental health unit in May, she was still a huge support to me; with texts, phone calls and visits. An anchor.
When I left the unit, Úna was the main person who chatted to me daily, sometimes throughout the day, general chit chat. She was someone who I really felt comfortable talking to.
On the 3rd of September, I went to the quay and sat in my car staring out at the water. I had a blade in my hand. I wanted to die. Either slit my wrists (and yes I know it is downwards) or jump. After an hour of debating, I cracked and I went to the shop where Úna worked and I got upset. She sat me down and chatted to me for a while, while cleaning the seating area. She made me feel better. Always did.
However the days following I began to feel guilty and ashamed of myself. The “I hate you, don’t leave” EUPD fear of abandonment came flooding back to me from last year. I cannot believe I thought negative of her. How could I have thought she did not like me, or that I should not like her. I can never forgive myself for that. Ever. So now that is on a constant cycle in my head.
Now that I started wearing a mask again, I have started to lie to Úna too. I do not want to put any more stressors or anxiety upon her or anyone else. That and I would not be able to cope with losing another close friend.